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Okay so maybe getting your ex back isn’t for you, but it made you think right? Let me first say, I am all for getting back with your ex, especially if you two not only have potential to progress, but that you both have grown and are actually progressing even better together: mentally emotionally, spiritually, financially, etc. However, some of us may have just had the wrong ex. The wrong ex in a sense that there just isn’t a future with that person, there is no dramatic love story. But trust me, the lessons you’ve learned while being with the wrong ex were all the right lessons you needed to improve you on your journey.

Most of us may have experienced the “wrong” ex or have experienced countless exes that we never saw a future with because we’re killing time. We’re killing time or wasting time because we are afraid to be alone. So instead of being alone, we migrant to the next available person. Not the next BEST available person, but whoever seems interested in us at the time. In those situations, we do not necessarily try to make it work, but we try to milk them for what we need at that time, whether it’s time, money, sex, attention, etc. Usually resulting in a temporary fix. Also in those situations, we may alter who we are to become who we think is needed in that particular relationship at the time to appear to be a better fit and because it is satisfying a need. Truthfully the real need is you… you finding yourself. When we jump from one situation to the next, we become a mixture of everyone we have shared energy with and very little of ourselves because again, we are afraid to be alone. Especially after a broken heart.

When we go through a breakup, we usually go thru a phase (some phases may be different for others). Keep in mind, a relationship is similar to a death or loss

The denial stage. This phase occurs almost immediately after the breakup happens. We don’t accept it. We may hear our mate say that is over, we may even have thought to ourselves “it is time to go our separate ways,” but never in a million years do we think the end will finally come. We continue doing the same things we did before the “breakup” whether it is still sending “good morning” or “I love you” messages or trying to share small talk as though nothing has changed. Often times we’re hit worse because when we do these things and do not get a response back, it hurts our soul even more.

Pain and Guilt. At this phase, we begin to think of all of the things we did wrong that could have led to the breakup. We begin to blame ourselves as we ask for a second chance because we become guilty for the breakup and all we want to do is make it right.

Bargaining. Because we feel as though the breakup is our fault, we go thru a begging stage because we want another chance to make it right. We want to prove to our mate that we can “fix” it. At this point, we are willing to settle for mediocrity, disrespect, pain and suffering as long as we have a chance to make what we did incorrectly, correct. “We can get thru this, I swear,” “Let’s make it work,” “We got thru this far,” “I was there for you when you didn’t have anyone, you owe me”

Depression. In this phase, you question your self-worth and value. Especially if you have been with the person for a long period of time, once they deny your request to get back together, you feel as though you aren’t good enough.

The next phase would be slowly adjusting and coming to terms that it just wasn’t meant to be. Most people miss this phase because they do not give themselves time to restore and recover. Instead as the old saying says “There’s nothing new like someone new.” A lot of time we jump into situations right away because it’s “something new” and can temporarily take us out of the depressing state that we are in. Something new always seems better at the time, but when you’re constantly searching for something new, your love has a motive behind, thus creating contingencies and limits. Also keep in mind, something new is just that: SOMETHING NEW. Even though something new seems better, you still have to learn that new person and adjust where necessary in order to make it work. You still have to give yourself time to RECOVER. We haven’t given ourselves time to process the lessons learned and less time to even apply them

Remember: YOU ARE ONLY AS GOOD AS YOUR LAST SITUATION/RELATIONSHIP mentally and emotionally if you have not taken time to thoroughly assess, evaluate and apply the lessons of the last situation. In time, without this step.. you will become the same person you felt guilty about.

Learn to be alone, I promise you’ll be a better mate for the next person once you have truly healed. Without it, you will still be searching for your happiness in every person you date and when that happens, every time you leave a person or they leave you, so does your happiness.

Our dependency of people is at an all-time high. It’s almost like we NEED someone else to be happy. We NEED someone to make decisions for us. We NEED to be wanted by someone (even if that someone is less than our standards). We NEED someone to occupy our time.

We must learn to function on our own. When this happens, it creates opportunity for someone to genuinely sweep us off of our feet because now we don’t have an ulterior motive, it’s more genuine.

Learn to be alone. Once you’ve mastered this… go and get your ex back!! Haha just kidding, watch your true love fall right into your lap.

4 thoughts on “LEARN TO BE ALONE 

  1. Praise Goodman says:

    I freaking love this Steph thanks for speaking to my soul I will read this until I’ve mastered it!!!

  2. m_series says:

    This so great Stephanie and I totally agree with everything you said. I’m learning to be alone instead of letting someone simply occupy my time because I have always been the “get under someone new to take the pain away” type. I do feel like I’m becoming a better person and understanding myself more by doing this.

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